
At one time or another, most of us have hit up Dr. Google to check on a new or unusual physical symptom and, as a direct result, have self-diagnosed with some horrendous ailment or have concluded that imminent death is highly likely.
Dr. Google just never seems to provide the reassurance we seek and 99.9% of the time, the life-threatening conclusion we fear is absolutely incorrect and causes senseless worry and anxiety. Remarkably, we continue return to this “resource” again and again, each time needlessly suffering as a direct result. Fortunately, we eventually realize that Dr. Google is kind of a jerk, as it leads us through its maze of doom. We pick up the phone, quickly and pleasantly schedule an appointment to see our physician who uses their expert medical training and knowledge of our actual medical history to right the wrongs in both our bodies and brains. Phew…looks like we dodged that rare tropical disease we thought we acquired in Michigan.
Yes…eventually and predicably, we all get to the point where we confidently announce our new life rule… “NO MORE DR. GOOGLE! I will see my actual physician if and when concerned.” One might say this announcement even marks a predictable developmental milestone that every adult with a computer or smart phone must reach in order to preserve their own sanity.
Curiously however, and despite our past traumatic experiences with google health explorations, we fail to apply our new “no Dr. Google” rule when it comes to parenting. Our kid struggles or is too loud, too quiet, can’t hit a baseball, only wants to hit baseballs, eats too little, too much, too few, can’t sleep, can’t wake-up, etc. etc. and what do we do? Return to that old bugger, Dr. Google, telling ourselves that we are tapping into the parenting hive of knowledge and the solution for all our kid’s troubles. Unfortunately, much like our physical symptom googles, parenting googles also tend to lead us into the maze wherein we find more worry, confusion, and a drive to endlessly search for reassurance.
We are writing here today, as a public service announcement to all parents and particularly to our parents who have children receiving ABA intervention. STEP AWAY FROM YOUR LAPTOP. JUST SAY NO. DON’T GO THERE!!!…Okay, you say. But what to do instead? You are worried about YOUR KID! YOU NEED SOLUTIONS and NOW!!!
First, take a deep breath. This too shall pass. Then, remember that most Google searches lead to more Google searches back into that old familiar maze of worry and confusion. Not surprisingly, this same maze also shows up when scrolling Instagram, TikTok, or chatting in what feels to be wise and safe Facebook groups in search of parenting advice. Across platforms, there are so many self-reported “experts” out there, all of whom tout the quite incredible ability to provide you the answers you need in the form of character-limited “should” and “should-nots” despite never having laid eyes on your precious little one. And yet…we go back, again and again, because where else is there to go?
Indeed, this situation solidly mirrors our Dr. Google healthcare experiences. As a parent with a most precious life (or lives) to protect, the anxiety that comes with our kids’ challenges is real. However, as opposed to a new physical symptom for which we can directly address with our physician, parents may feel Google is their only source of guidance. We may reasonably argue that parents online are a wonderful resource, particularly those who have “made it through” parenting (FYI this a misnomer of parents of young kids who believe the worry and care ends when children become adults). We might also feel protective and want to avoid discussing or highlighting our children’s struggles with their teachers in this insane era of college preparation that seemingly begins in kindergarten. We might also believe that our pediatricians working in the world of HMOs simply do not have the time or training to help us or direct us to someone who can. We might also rightly believe that “the problem” is simply part of childhood and will resolve over time and check Google simply to confirm that assumption. Whatever the reason, we, as parents, often end up in the maze rather than accessing competent professionals who have the education, training, experience, and time to properly assess our kids and develop healthy plans of action if intervention is needed.
The good news is that there are many professionals living among us who are available and can be there for you and your family. Your pediatrician wants your child to thrive and has vetted, reputable referrals at the ready for you. Your child’s teacher also wants you to communicate, collaborate, and discuss ways in which they can work together with you to help your child succeed at home and at school. And…if you found this post because your child is receiving ABA therapy, you can take comfort knowing that you are literally surrounded by individuals who understand child development, have worked with many children with similar challenges, and…importantly….have the behavior science education and experience to offer real-time, evidence-based, meaningful help for whatever behavior (typical or atypical) your child is demonstrating that is concerning to you.
So why not cross check my child’s teachers and therapists by also accessing Dr. Google and reading and learning from online parenting coaches? Seems like a good idea to be sure my educated, informed, experienced professional who knows my child well is actually advising me correctly, right? Well…perhaps, but also perhaps not.
What seems to be missing in the world of online parent-coaching is the behavioral perspective, aka the analysis of motivation that leads all people to do what they do – including our kids! Indeed, scientific inquiry both in the lab and in real-world environments has demonstrated time and time again that everything we do as humans has purpose and function.
We, as behavioral creatures, originally approached life in a manner that improved our odds of escaping a hungry saber-tooth tiger or surviving in a cave in winter. Over time, and with fewer saber-tooth tiger encounters, we have evolved in many ways yet still want and behave to avoid and escape the unpleasant and to seek out enjoyment and things that make us feel good and safe. Simply speaking, we repeat actions and behaviors that have proven-effective in accessing the things we want and like or that are effective in avoiding or removing the things we don’t want or like. In addition, our science demonstrates that all of us predictably want to feel good as much as possible and behave in ways that help us access those good feelings be it via social connection and attention from others or by self-soothing in some way (e.g., anyone else simply love chocolate?).
What is important to note is that these strong desires are what drive our behavior; they are the very reasons we behave as we do. In Applied Behavior Analysis we refer to these as “functions of behavior” and define them by their observable result / consequence. If I do X behavior, I can: 1) access a preferred tangible, 2) escape or remove something unpleasant, 3) get social attention, or 4) make myself feel good. These predictable functions are the secret sauce for decoding our kids’ behaviors. Without this information we cannot understand why a behavior is happening or accurately address it. Worse yet, without this functional understanding, it is also quite possible to unknowingly reinforce the troublesome behavior (thus causing future recurrences and increases in frequency and/or intensity).
Now that you understand the importance of functional analysis of behavior, consider for a moment the online advice you have read. As an example, think of a common online recommendation which encourages parents to validate their child’s big feelings and to use these big feeling moments as an opportunity to do some teaching of skills such as emotional regulation. This advice, of course, is such an important part of raising little humans; we want more big humans in the world who actually know what their emotions are and what to appropriately do with them! However, let’s ponder this guidance in a commonly occurring situation and consider the implications of this seemingly innocuous advice. Does this advice actually “work” in creating positive behavior change? If followed, could a child’s behavior possibly worsen? Could a child learn something that we may not have intended or wanted?
The Challenging Situation…
Imagine the scene. It’s that fun time of the day before dinner (yes, a touch of sarcasm here). You, a loving parent of sweet Amy (age 4) and James (age 2), are cooking dinner while the kids play with the toys in the toybox near the kitchen. Suddenly, Amy hits her brother as evidenced by the audible “thwack” causing James to cry. Having just read the latest online “you should” article from a self-proclaimed expert parenting-coach, you calmly leave the kitchen and ask Amy to come sit with you and chat about what happened. Amy responds immediately, crawling into your lap and explaining that she felt angry because James wrecked her train track. Confidently following the parenting-coach’s procedure, you sit with her and lovingly discuss other ways she might express herself instead of hitting. Ten minutes go by during which you bring your best parenting to the proverbial table. Peace is restored and, feeling good about your excellent parenting, you head back to the task of cooking. The rest of the evening passes per usual. End scene.
Now, cut to the following evening – same time, same place, though this time you are doling out the pizza you ordered onto plates rather than cooking. The kids are playing nicely until you hear another “thwack” and James crying again. Amy looks expectantly towards you. You think, “what the heck? I just taught her how to NOT hit! I followed Dr. Google’s parenting expert’s advice. Did she learn nothing?” Once again, you stop your dinner prep and walk over to Amy, ready to repeat the previous evening’s lesson.
But, did Amy actually learn nothing?
Quite the opposite! Amy likely learned several things. Not only did she learn about feeling angry and alternatives to hitting, but she also learned that HITTING HER BROTHER GETS YOU TO STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND TALK FOR WHILE. While Amy had to rebuild her train track that James messed up last night, she learned that it was worth it. She got something even better out of the situation…YOU! In essence, she learned that hitting James got you to supportively engage with her when you were busy. JACKPOT! And…as expected, the behavior occurred again the very next night and with the online parenting-coach’s advice at hand, the behavior received the same reward – YOU!
Lots of learning happened! Amy will now likely hit her brother when seeking social connection, knowing that it is a proven and effective way to get attention from you and possibly others, too. Behaviorally speaking, the concerning behavior (hitting) was reinforced (rewarded) by access to social attention (you immediately went to her) and now functions as a means to gain attention across people and environments. Next scene? The phone rings and Amy’s preschool teacher says, “I’m concerned about Amy’s social behavior….”
Although you perfectly followed the online parenting coach’s guidance, that guidance was actually lousy as it only focused on what to do AFTER a child’s behavior occurs. In the world of ABA, much of the emphasis of the BA in ABA (the “behavior analysis”) is focused on what happens BEFORE the behavior occurs.
Ideally, we want to teach our kids when the situation is not hot and bothered. The “expert-parenting-coach” failed to know and/or share about timing – when it is best and most effective to teach new behavior (and when it is not.) In the case of Amy’s first instance of hitting, she was angry with her brother. The emotional part of her brain was fired-up, and likely in no state to benefit from a lesson on emotional regulation. So, while the parenting-expert’s emphasis on teaching children about their emotions was certainly spot on, WHEN to do this teaching was not and resulted in a situation where you reinforced a concerning behavior rather than teaching emotional awareness.
Seeking Professional Guidance
In contrast to online parenting guidance, let’s now imagine accessing a professional who understands behavior functions and knows your child. Given the identical situation, your experienced ABA Supervisor / Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) would first guide you to decode the above situation and identify the function of Amy’s hitting behavior (she received your focused 1:1 attention). With this intel, you would immediately see the importance of teaching Amy two things: 1) what to do with big feelings (as the online parenting-expert advised), and 2) how to get your attention appropriately.
Your BCBA would then help you to identify optimal teaching moments by noticing when Amy is calm, regulated, and neither fatigued nor hungry. In those moments, your BCBA would suggest that you discuss her big feeling as you did earlier but would also advise taking the time to have Amy practice via role play positive and productive ways to gain your attention. By choosing the teaching time, you set up the conditions to ensure the right learning happens. Further, you are able to make it fun and provide ample reinforcement for Amy’s ideas about emotional regulation AND how to request some attention from you. Next time she considers hitting her brother to access you, she will now instead walk to you and request a hug or to help out in the kitchen. Presto! Parenting WIN achieved!
In sum, we hope we have inspired you to proceed with caution when accessing online parenting guidance. In all likelihood, you will find some good ideas, some absurd ideas, some ideas that might be good under particular conditions, and some ideas that just take you into the doom-maze and cause unnecessary anxiety and worry. The point is that all the “should” and “should nots” found online are always presented out of context of YOUR situation with YOUR child at their particular developmental stage. They are by definition incomplete and possibly counterproductive.
When concerned about your child’s new behavioral challenges (which is a typical and inevitable part of parenting), we encourage you to always start with looking for the function. Get curious about why your little one is doing what they’re doing; if they are doing it, then that absolutely means it is helping them feel good in some way! If you can’t see the function yourself, reach out to local professionals who are not confined by online character limits in their recommendations. This might mean seeking referrals from your pediatrician or a behavior specialist. Better to access complete and accurate guidance rather than cyber-nuggets you find online. If your child is accessing ABA, always alert your child’s program supervisor / behavior analyst – even if you deem the issue relatively minor. We are here to help!
We promise you that there IS an answer and your child’s behavior can and will change for the better. Most of all, be kind to yourself – parenting is a wonderfully complex and beautiful life-long process and every one of us has felt uncertain at times while wanting with our whole hearts to do the best for our kids. The good news, however, is that in reality, regardless of the behavior you are either effectively or ineffectively working to improve, your kid or kids will feel your steadfast love whether following an online parenting-expert’s guidance or not. And that is what really matters.
Leave a Reply